Penetrating the veils of fear to finally just be here

Hello, it has been a-while since I last wrote. And I have been busy, mighty busy weathering the storms of huge fear. Tomorrow many of my friend's are leaving for the beloved festival. So much pulls me to go and join them, and yet I have a different path right now. The external stimulation and large group phenomenon tends to pull me out of myself especially where there is music involved and performers and people who lead work shops and perform and people who don't. I feel such a separation. I know this is my issue, but it is so hard to be the one who is not leading anything like some part of me is depending on that role as a "famous" person to somehow anchor me in time and space. My friend said, "Don't go, Sarah, that is really your trigger and it will be a multiple day trigger." I am listening to her and to me. My own inner child needs me to continue focusing attention here at home. We have only just come out of the huge fear time, and we need a chance to catch our breath and ground.
Last week I was eaten by a tiger in a past life I was clearing, and yesterday my space vehicle and my whole entire planet blew up all at once. I think maybe this is it for a-while. I'm hoping anyway. Maybe Friday I will make a carrot cake, and Saturday I will work on my business cards. I am enjoying Amma's sweet voice on a CD i downloaded from her site. WEll, I feel this is all for now.
Love to all.

Sarah

Death, Life and the longing to be free from fear

Death, life and the longing for freedom from fear
Knowing
the reclamation is set to happen, and actually beginning the full interface with core fear are two very different things. In my last blog, newly returned home from my body talk session, I was anticipating and celebrating the fact that Love was dawning now into the city of night within me. This post is more about the actual rescue mission into the city, scarecity!!!

Well, I spent early Saturday morning in the emergency room with my dear friend fearing she was having a heart attack, we raced to the hospital at 5:00 A.M. The fear and the despair hanging in that emergency while people waited to be seen in vain for hours and hours by an understaffed hospital was such a heavy energy. I was having trouble breathing feeling the heavy grief of the situation. It turned out my friend was o.k. I still pray for her and her beautiful heart. Then later that same day I was greeting wedding guests out on the green fields, adorning them with flower leighs and kissing them on both cheeks and frolicking over the green grass bare-foot to serve the wedding needs as best I could. And it was the perfect antidote for the great fear of that morning. And then out on the lawn, the core fear and the core grief of living in a world where fear has been so dominant started to pour out of me. It was while the beautiful community was saying the prayer before dinner, that great tapestry of unity being co-created there, this was what allowed the floodgates to open and all the sorrow of my consciousness, once immersed only in love, now entrapped in so much fear. And as the fear and sorrow poured out, I could feel my heart opening to feel the love of that great community. And it was the surrender to the fear that enabled me to fall into the love of the oneness with everything. And I spread my arms out wide and the wind blew through me, one and the same the wind of death and life, the wind of fear and love surrendering to utter vulnerability before them both. And then we feasted, and sleep that night took me to torturous cities where I was being killed and so much screaming in horror from all the people, the voices in my bones and in my blood and muscle and genetic code, screaming out in horror, and I pounding my fists on the bed and weeping in rage. “NO!, no nono no no no, until at last the first layer of horror is off and then I sink into it like a bath, a bath of horror, a flavor of ice cream that tastes horrible to my emotional body at first but then I surrender and breathe the breath through it and into it all. Laying my soul of light down upon this city of the night, interfacing with it finally here in the dead and life of the night. Just me, Frank can’t save me now. Only me. It’s always been between me and me. And it seems with each breath the nature of the horror becomes more tolerable, and finally I fall into sleep. And today I awaken weak and full of sorrow, and the angels come and wrap me in a tapestry woven with rainbow colors of light. Every color of the rainbow is in this glorious tapestry and it is wrapped all around me. The angels cover every piece of the scarred broken emotional body in this perfect love, tapestry of perfect love. It is like swaddling clothing, mending, pouring it’s sweet balm of perfect love, pouring into the core-line fractures of the mark of the bomb of the deathspell. Now this balm of love, takes it’s place, encoding me with love and life and unity, soothing everything hurting, and Frank wants to go to the river, but I am just laying here feeling almost dead even wrapped now in this cloth, and I say, “I need a hamburger” Often red meat helps bring me back when I have faced major death energy. Now I have eaten my hamburger. I am still afraid to leave the house, but perhaps I will go as the sparkling waters and the natural beauty is calling me out into life even as my breath still catches in my chest, and I am as of late still very much dripping with the dross of the very dark night. Shall I go? My honey is standing here naked drinking his green vibrance. Ah, maybe I will go.
Love to all,
Remember when it gets really painful, just pound, weep, and breathe it in like oxygen. It all emerged from out of the field of infinite love, the source of the breath itself.
The heart of the perfect tapestry of all-embracing love, may it surround and melt all in separation back home into the great heart of unity.
Bye for now.

Sarah